Food Interfering with Relationship?
Some people worry that food will interfere with their relationship with their horse. It's been a long time since i started using R+ but i remember the emotional turmoil i had switching over and this was a big point for me. I wanted my horse to do things for me, not for the food.
I thought about it all the time very intensely. I wanted my horse to love me, as much as i love her, willing to do anything for each other, to make each other happy. I wanted her to rejoice when she saw me and want to be with me more than anything else. Enjoy our time together and the fun challenges we overcame together. I wanted her to do it because it was as fun for her as it was for me, because our relationship was strong.
Then i though, well how do i get that relationship? I used to be told earning her respect being her dominant leader would do create that. But i thought about it a great deal... what part of that makes her love me or enjoy our time together? Which part is supposed to build love and care? When i take her from her friends? When i use fear to make her run? When i ask her to do things and punish her with more fear or running if she doesn't? When i push or pull or irritate her into doing the things i want? When i puppeteer her body with ropes and strings to get compliance?
As a human, i have been in those types of controlling relationships and i can assure you the type of respect i felt was fear, not love. I felt manipulated, backed against a wall, and hopeless. Is that the relationship i want with my horse? Where i push her to do the things i want, where i punish her if she doesn't comply?
No, the relationship i want is her Choosing me. Choosing to engage in the things we do together.
Food is a wonderful tool for a first step towards this goal. Yes, at first, its all about the horse earning the food. They will solve puzzles and challenging things to earn food. But the whole time you are the friend they are doing these things with. You are the friend/parent who brings all the safe, comforting, engaging, challenging, and fun things to their life. The food is a piece of language we are using to build a relationship that is all we ever dreamed of. The two of us, having fun together, doing things with confidence, play and choice, together. The food opens a dialogue we didn't have access to before.