Glimmers
I've been struggling to keep up with Tank's lessons, it's hard on my heart to think there won't be more. But she just taught me a knew one recently, as I've been struggling with the decision on whether or not it's time to let her go. My friend shared with me a post by an end of life veterinarian, who talked about this topic of "Glimmers" that's been happening with Tank, so let me try to explain...
I've never planned "a good day" before, usually our horses reach a point where I am pushed to make this decision for them. A major colic, a serious injury, an unbeatable health problem. But Tank's issue is a slow digression of her ability to swallow food or water (so even liquids come back out the nose). It's slowly taking away her quality of life with chronic short, but painful events of choke and colic. I've decided it's time to let her go in peace before she starts starving, getting desperate, frustrated, painful, and depressed. Though she's already starting each of those paths.
We have of course decided to spoil her ROTTEN in her last little bit of time with us. So each night I've sat with her and fed her an entire large jar of apple sauce (full sugar!) and kissed her face. She's gotten her daily baths and little careful training with soaked mash, and even enjoying some watermelon smashes.
As I watch these joyful moments in her life I think "do I really have to let her go?" well no, but should I? The truth is, Tank is not getting better, I'm making little bright spots in her day, but these aren't sustainable quality of life options. The vet in this post called these moments "Glimmers", little moments of joy that we hold on to to help convince ourselves it's not yet time to let them go.
I remember the last few years she was doing WELL then would have bad moments, a serious choke, a painful colic, but then it would pass and she'd go back to mostly normal. Then this year, she's mostly in pain, but I see these glimmers of hope that maybe she's still a little bit holding on. I'm no longer measuring the rare bad moments, I'm measuring the rare good moments, and that's genuinely not ok anymore. I'm using these moments as a crutch to hold onto to prevent myself from seeing what is best for Tank.
I see Tank's glimmer's for 20 minutes at a time a couple times a day, the rest of the day she sits quietly, uncomfortably in her stall (she has the option to go out and graze but that hurts and she's very allergic to bugs). So while I'm with her, she's having moments of joy, but when I'm not right there tending to her, she's not. So it's easy for me to look at her life full of glimmers and think she has a good quality of life. But I have my camera on her and I see the times she's not being spoiled, she's struggling. Of course Brenna and I spend as much time as we can filling her remaining days with Glimmers, but these are moments to treasure and give her during these days, not things to hold onto as a reason to keep pushing.
So she's taught me, to learn to recognize when I'm looking for glimmers among the bad days, and holding on for my own desire to keep them by my side. Tank deserves the dignity and honor of passing quietly without a traumatic, cruel event. She's ready, now I just have to get myself ready too.
*This is the picture of the moment my childhood horse Solomon, gave custody of me to Tank, I wonder who Tank's going to give me to? I'm definitely not ready to be responsible for my own wellbeing.
