The fear cycle

So I've been sharing lessons my big momma Tank has taught me, this one was a hard one for me to overcome.

Tank is a big girl, she's only 15h tall and 15h wide

When I started working with Tank, despite my overwhelming love for her, I also had a healthy dose of fear of her and FOR her. I was not only afraid Tank might injure me, and in the beginning when we only had R- as a tool, she did hurt me often, rope burn for days, running me over, crashing into me, never intentional aggression, but she'd go through anything to get to safety, even through my own body but I was terrified she'd hurt herself.

My impulse and all I'd ever learned, was when I'm afraid, is to grab for control through FORCE. So get stronger tools and be bigger and more intense to grab hold of control. If she does something dangerous, I should punish her, I should use strength and tools to control her. So the more scared I was, the more fear, pain, and physical force I'll impose on her to help myself feel safer.

However, Tank's problem was that she was afraid. She wasn't doing what the professionals tried to convince me "being dominant, disrespectful, disobedient, fresh". She was scared for her physical safety. She was so scared she was in blind panic, hurting herself to escape, even if she had to climb fences, break doors, crawl through fire, she'd jump off the deep-end to get to safety. She wasn't thinking and acting out of misbehavior, she was reacting, out of terror and trauma.

So when I brought Tank to confront a difficult situation, I would hold onto her and restrain her, in an attempt to control her, for my own sense of safety. But by grabbing onto her, restricting her, taking HER control away, I was exacerbating HER fear. I created a cycle of both of us FIGHTING for control and fear and violence. Each of us pulling harder so WE could feel safe, but both triggering the other's fear.

Ultimately what worked, was me completely releasing all my control, all my fear. I had to stop worrying about if she might hurt me or hurt herself, and literally let go of the tools I used to try and control her. We began our training with NO halter or lead rope or whip or anything. Now, I'm not connected to her, I have space to move, she has space to feel her feelings, she has the freedom to leave. So we don't need to trample each other, fight for physical control, wrestle or push until we are explosive.

This actually worked. By giving us BOTH complete autonomy over our own choices and our own safety, we were able to have conversations and both stay safe. With this I had to find other ways to ask her to grow her comfort zone. I had to focus on building her SELF confidence, not her submitting to my control. We grew her comfort zone by moving step by step across the edge of her comfort, making good experiences. We also brought the outside in, in the form of enrichment. She became bold, self-confident, and an eager participant in her life.

When we both let go of the fear and need for control we both feel safe enough to express ourselves, to act in a way that's safer and more predictable for one another.